My Journey Within Mormonism

      Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of my readers.  I know that Christmas can be a mixed bag when it comes to the various family and cultural experiences that people have.  Whoever you are and wherever you may be in your life and in your relationships.  I hope that you can find peace and hope both in a religious sense and a secular sense.  Although this blog post will not be exactly about Christmas it is in a way about new beginnings and the growth that comes from the discovery of something new.

       To preface this blog post I recommend reading my previous post about my thoughts on the LDS church's new policy and the experiences that have led me to seek out a spiritual home in the Community of Christ (formerly known as the Reorganized Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints).  As I listened to the Prophet-President of the Community of Christ I wanted to learn as much as I could about this part of the Restoration.
      Just as a way to help both explain and bring my readers along on my journey, I am going to post a couple of long 1-hourish videos that were displayed on Mormon Stories about the teachings and history of the Community of Christ beginning with Joseph Smith.  It is presented by John Hamer who is a historian and himself a former gay Mormon who is now the pastor of the Toronto Community of Christ congregation.  My posting this is not about converting anyone or saying that my path is the right path.  The path to spiritual progression should always be between the individual and God.  I simply want to share what has brought me peace in the hopes that it may help others or may stimulate a desire to learn more about religious history whether it be purely academic or spiritual.  Here is an introductory video about Community of Christ.  I think many of my readers will recognize the music in the background.


      The next two videos are about the differences and similarities of beliefs between the LDS and Community of Christ.  These were the ones I watched first.  I was intrigued by the similarities and differences between the two.  John Hamer who is presenting also gives the case of how disaffected LDS members or LGBT Mormons may find a spiritual home at the Community of Christ.  These videos are kind of long so if you have spare time I encourage you to watch them.  I personally watched them as I did dishes and chores.  Summaries can be found and additional dialogue here.







       The next four videos follow the history of the Community of Christ.  From 1830 to the present day and how it was shaped in parallel to the LDS church.  The first video covers the beginning of the restoration from 1820-1844.  Most members of the LDS church will recognize this history.  Once again dialogue and summaries here.

       The next video covers more of the divergence and schism of The LDS church between those led by Brigham Young and the scattered congregations who did not travel west, including Joseph's Smith's family.  Many different groups formed their own churches under various leaders including the Strangites, Cutlerites, Rigdonites, etc.




       This next video follows the RLDS church as it is organized in 1860 under the leadership of Joseph Smith 3rd (Joseph Smith's oldest Son). This video covers most of his tenure as Prophet of the RLDS to 1910 as he brings many of the scattered Saints into the Reorganization.





       The final video follows the transformation of the RLDS church to the now Community of Christ using the historical research done in the 1960s and 1970s as a catalyst for introspection and change.  The parts I find the most compelling are how it appears that the leadership in the then RLDS church decided to address historical issues head on.  This is in stark contrast to LDS leadership who sought to keep these historical findings from reaching the general membership.  The LDS church is only now trying to address these issue in public with their release of various essays on the church's history.

       The most interesting thing that I found from these videos was how little I actually knew about the early history of the restoration tradition of Christianity under Joseph Smith and how very little I knew of the Community of Christ.  I deeply regret this ignorance and have since continued to seek more knowledge on the subject.  I will also post a couple of other links below that I have found helpful to learning more about the Community of Christ.  These links will also include the Latter-day Seekers website that is specifically geared toward LDS members who are interested in learning more.

http://mormonessays.com/

http://www.latter-dayseekers.org/

       Thanks for watching and reading.  Hopefully in the next several weeks/ months as my time is permitted I will be writing and sharing more on this subject.   I have appreciated the perspectives and dialogue that I have received over the past several years as an out Gay man and look forward to many more to come.  During this Christmas and Holiday Season I hope peace can be found in your homes and in your communities.

My Late Transgender Day of Remembrance Post

Hello Everyone,

      I have been incredibly busy with school recently and I just now found the time to write another blog post.  This post is kind of my tribute to all my transgender friends.  Nowhere else have I seen such strong and courageous people.  You all are a beacon of light to me.  You amaze me with your example of how to live a life that is authentic to your God given identity.  More and more society is realizing the falsehood of the gender binary.  Science has already discovered that just as sexuality is on a continuum, gender too is not on polar ends of male and female.  Sexuality and gender are not determined based on the genitalia a person is born with.  Gender and Sexuality come from the mind and reach out from the deepest and most human parts of ourselves.  Those parts I believe are the most eternal.  They color our perceptions and truly help us to become entwined with the identity of the person we want to spend the rest of our lives with, hopefully into the eternities.

      These identities should not be repressed or held back.  Everyone was meant to be here, everyone is a beautiful and wonderful child of God who has unique and incredible attributes to share.  Every single person has the ability to truly make this world a better place.  I truly believe God is filled with joy as we express ourselves in a way that is truly authentic to ourselves.  As we serve others and let people know they are not alone.  We represent a piece of who God is and what Jesus Christ himself would do.  Every son, daughter, cisgender, transgender, intersex, gender queer, heterosexual, and homosexual child of God is a beautiful image of who our heavenly parents are and their infinite and divine capacity to love and embrace every single one of us.  The world needs more love not more misunderstanding.  You all bring the world closer to a Zion-like society as you expand everyone's capacity to love and support one another.  There is still a lot of work to do, let us all work hard to lift up the heavy hand.  To give of our substance to those in need.  Instead of quibbling over how a person should dress or how a person should live their life let's try expound love instead of judgement. In the end we are all trying our best to live a life that holds no regrets.


I added this video because it is a fun song about letting out what truly makes you amazing!  (I do believe most of the people in this video are transgender although there is also a drag queen)

Gay/SSA and Mormon? Some Advice

      Are you gay, lesbian / experience same-sex attraction and a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?  If you are, I know the dissonance and pain you may feel between how you feel towards people of the same sex and your faith.  It may seem almost insurmountable the disconnect between the two.  How can I be a Mormon and gay.  Do I have to give up the church and it's teachings and eventually be with someone of the same-sex or can I just work really hard and be the best I can be and my same sex attraction will go away and I will be heterosexual, be married in the temple, and have a great life.  Do I need to go the celibate route, live alone the rest of my life, and God will reward me in the eternities?  These questions I hope to address in this blog post.

      Growing up gay and Mormon all of us knew and know that ultimately we would have to make a very important choice in our lives. This choice would be one where we would either trust in our leaders and live a a celibate life or, God willing, have a mixed-orientation marriage.   These choices both seemed bleak but for me I felt that if it was God's will it would all work out.  So I suppressed my feelings and would not accept their reality.  I had low self-esteem and I had a fear of being outed.  I was afraid that this dirty secret that I had hidden up would somehow surface expose me and destroy my life and my relationships.  This I can imagine happened to many of you or is currently happening to you.  For me it lead to a very dark time one where suicide seemed the only option to my pain and anguish.  For many of us sadly that became their end in this journey of mortality.  So what are we to do.  I have seen people reject the church and it's teachings completely.  I have seen people try there best and be miserable in the process, and people who are actually quite successful and happy.

      The advice I give is my own and may not work for everyone.  Ultimately everyone needs to work with God to find their own unique way through mortality.  I offer four steps in the process of accepting your reality and moving in the direction God would have you go.

1. Come out to yourself and to God.
2. Come out to close family and friends when the time seems right.
3.  With the help of God, learn about all possible paths in your life.  Even ones you may be extremely uncomfortable with.
4. Make a decision with God on how to proceed with your life.  It may be for a short time it may be for a lifetime but commit to God and remain prayerful and trusting in His guidance.


1. Come out to yourself and to God.  

      Using my own experience I hope to convey what it is that helped me.  Starting from puberty I felt a desperate struggle inside of me of what I presented to the world and what I felt.  The months and years went on and through my trials I began to realize something.  I had never asked God about what he felt about me.  Truthfully, I had just assumed from what I implied from my priesthood leaders and society in general.  One day, I decided I would find out for myself.  I wrote about the experience in my coming out story which at the beginning of this blog.

      "I kneeled down one night and prayed to my Heavenly Father.  I asked him if these feelings were acceptable in his eyes and whether or not he still loved me even if I was attracted to the same gender.  What followed would change my life.  A wonderful, indescribable warmth filled my chest and spread to the rest of my body.  I knew at once it was the spirit and that God accepted me for who I was and would always love me.  All my life I had not only lived in fear of others rejection but God's rejection.  I found out, beyond a shadow of doubt, that God loved me and accepted me for who I was.  I came out of that spiritual experience with the knowledge that God accepted me."

      So my first piece of advice is not to assume how God feels about your attractions.  Ask him yourself, develop that relationship with him and find out that he loves you unconditionally.  This changed my life and led me down a path of healing and I know it can change yours.  Even with God's acceptance, it still does not answer many of the other questions, but it can provide a foundation to build one's life off of.

2. Come out to close family and friends when the time seems right.

      The next step I would recommend is one that could take a very long time.  This step involves, with the help of God, learning to accept yourself and then ultimately coming out to your family or close friends.  Research has found that the process of coming out is beneficial for the man or woman who does so.  Not only will it strengthen your self-esteem it will also make the relationships you have with others more genuine.  When you have a core group of family or friends you have come out to it can then help stabilize you not only emotionally and personally, but also spiritually as well.  I understand that for almost everybody this is something that is very difficult and terrifying.  Sharing something you have kept secret for so long and that has negative connotations in Mormon culture lays bare to everyone a place that is raw and can be easily used to harm you.  But this is a necessary step.

      If now does not feel like the right time, wait.  Ask God what he thinks and be patient.  If you do not feel safe sharing this part of yourself with family, colleagues, friends, or church members.  I would recommend some support groups such as Mormons Building Bridges, USGA at BYU, Affirmation, NorthStar, etc.  It's important to find someone that you can share with who won't judge you or put you down.  Mormons Building Bridges has been building a roster of LGBT friendly people in wards throughout the country that also might be a good place to check.  http://mormonsbuildingbridges.org/roster/

      Ultimately do what is most comfortable to you and come out in a safe environment.  I promise that although it may be the scariest thing you may ever do.  It will also be one of the most freeing experiences that you will ever have.  Trust me, a weight will be lifted off of your shoulders.  Even if others do not take it well.  You will feel much more genuine and much more true to yourself and God.

3. With the help of God, learn about all possible paths in your life Even the ones you may be uncomfortable with.  

      The third  recommendation that I give is to find out what to do next.  I have seen two polarized sides when it comes to this and not very much people in the middle.  Although there are some.  One side talks of the importance of following the Prophets, Apostles, and the official policy of the church whether it be through a mixed-orientation marriage, which is no longer recommended because of the negative consequences of the decision, or celibacy for the rest of your life.    The other side tells you to be true to yourself and have a same-sex relationship and get married if you are able.  What I see as a problem is that sometimes people on  both sides see each other as enemies or lacking in one respect or the other.  Some on each side say that they are right and everyone else is wrong.  But what does God say to you on this matter.  If our hearts and desires are pure he says, "Therefore, ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you; for he that asketh receiveth;and unto him that knocketh, it shall be opened." 3 Nephi 27: 29.

      My advice is to go to our Heavenly Father and ask Him yourself.  I encourage everyone to learn from both sides, learn of the struggles and failures but also the triumphs and successes.  One can do this successfully using a computer but also personal experience.  Some websites to check out are www.ldsvoicesofhope.org and voicesoflove.org.

      I grew up thinking that LGBT people were immoral deviants who I should never associate with.  Come to find out after following many promptings from God.  They were actually just normal people.  Just as moral or immoral as straight people.  Learn in safe environments about either side.  I encourage you as you go on this journey of learning and growing to not hold anything back from Him.  Do not put qualifiers or exceptions,  trust in Him and let Him teach you and lead you anywhere He sees fit.  Follow the Law of Chastity when learning about this and always seek to have the spirit with you.

4. Make a decision with God on how to proceed with your life.  It may be for a short time, it may be for a lifetime, but commit to God and remain prayerful and trusting in His guidance.  

      The answer might be one you felt like you should do all along.  It might be completely different.  It might bring fear, it might bring hope and joy.  If it be from God he will provide a way, he promises this, the fruit will be good and God will sustain you.  If ultimately it is not the way God wants you to go, you will have confusion, a loss of clarity, and the fruits of those actions will be bad.  Ultimately I encourage you to have faith in God and know that He has a plan for you that will bring you happiness and that God will provide a way for you to accomplish it.  Follow the law of chastity as it applies to all members and relationships, God is not a respecter of persons.  Maybe if it is God's will you will marry a person of the same-sex and have a deep and loving relationship with them, and build a family together, or you may be asked to go the opposite route.  He even may ask you to wait and remain celibate.  Remember to trust in God's will for you.

      Some people may say that God will never say anything against what the prophets and apostles have said. However we know in the scriptures that this is not the case.  When Nephi was told to kill Laban in the Book of Mormon.  This action was murder, plain and simple, something that all prophets have said is a grievous sin.  But God had Nephi do it because he had a greater plan in the action.  Ultimately, God is the place from where all truth flows.  Christ due to the atonement is the light of truth.  The Apostles and Prophets are men, which means that they are imperfect and they may use their own understanding until a new revelation from God comes.  Although they are called of God they ultimately are not the source of all truth.  You all are entitled to personal revelation for yourself.  God will guide you as you pray on the words of the leaders of the church.

      This process will take time.  It has taken me many years and each step was long and filled with ups and downs.  I promise you that those trials will strengthen you. Looking back on my life now I realize and have grown to understand through my trials what Peter spoke about in 1 Peter 1:3-10

3) Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, which according to his abundant mercy hath begotten us again unto a lively hope by the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,
4) To an inheritance incorruptible, and undefiled, and that fadeth not away, reserved in heaven for you,
5) Who are kept by the power of God through faith unto salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.
6) Wherein ye greatly rejoice, through now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations.
7) That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, through it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:
8) Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory.
9) Receiving the end of your faith, even the salvation of your souls.
10) Of which salvation the prophets have enquired and searched diligently, who prophesied of the grace that should come unto you:

      The trials of my faith have been more precious than gold.  I have grown closer to God and I have gained greater insight and understanding in my life through those trials.  I know that God loves each and everyone of us and that he seeks that best for each of you.  This decision is between you and Him.  I can't tell you which direction is best for you because I don't know your reality.  There is one person who does and that is Jesus Christ.

      That decade of my life between puberty and when I turned twenty years old was a definite trial of my faith in God.  Whether He knew me and whether He actually cared was my struggle.  Peter writes "That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth"  My trials are much more precious to me than anything I have ever experienced and they have led me to a place of love, happiness, and joy that I would never have imagined just two years ago.  I found my joy in a place I never expected that I would. Whatever trials lie ahead of you I know that God will be with each and everyone of you as you work out where He wants you and where your happiness in his Kingdom is.  I encourage you all to remain active in the church.  Whether your path leads to celibacy or a loving relationship with the man or woman of your dreams, whether they be of the same sex or not.  You have many people cheering for you on earth and in heaven and I know God will never fail you.

I Found God in the LGBTQ Community.

I have been thinking about writing this post for a while. Since my coming out I have truly experienced an outpouring of love and support of which I am tremendously grateful.  My journey of coming out started in November of 2012 and has led me to places and people that I never would have imagined knowing and experiencing that night I came out to my parents.  God truly is wonderful and patient and has touched my heart in ways I could have scarcely comprehended just a little over a year ago.

After coming out to my parents, I attended my Spring Semester at school and I endeavored to start coming out to very close friends of mine.  This was harder than I had anticipated.  Keeping something secret for eleven years and hoping it would go away is hard to talk about.  It was a difficult but also transformative process in many ways.   I started feeling like I was becoming a more genuine person as I shared this part of myself with others.  Not only that but I felt closer to God.  I felt God was pleased with me being honest with this part of myself.  I began walking through my day to day life with a renewed vigor and hope.  I felt like a burden was beginning to be lifted off of me and that the Atonement of Christ was working in my life to lift that self-inflicted burden.This brought a spiritual healing that I most desperately needed. I felt God prompt me in my day to day life, I felt like I was becoming a better person and closer to God.

One day last year, on a normal day I felt God prompt me in a direction that I had not anticipated.  I was prompted to go to a meeting of my school's LGBTQ organization on campus.  This was something that left me confused and nervous.  At this time I had only known a handful of gay people and then not extremely well.  I had never been taught any overtly anti-gay things.  What I had learned was that marriage was between Man and Woman. I also heard the youth  make gay jokes making it seem like it was  something to be mocked, scandalous, or dirty.  This compounded with homosexuality being a taboo discussion in LDS congregations and that no older gay people that I could tell were in my ward.  So I automatically assumed, just like I feel many other people do, that LGBT people were sinners that have shunned God and that they were devoid of  natural love and were lost in the lusts of the flesh,  which created in me an internalized homophobia toward myself.  I hated myself because I was one of those awful sinners.  Coming out allowed me the opportunity to push off this burden of self-hatred, but I would soon find out that God had so much more for me to learn about others as well as learning about myself.

Going to the meeting left in me a certain anxiety because of what I had heard about gay people.  I felt scared that I would be tempted and be led down a path that would be destructive to my soul.  All these things jumbled in my mind and put a fear in my heart. Even with all this opposition I followed the prompting.  I went to a meeting and luckily saw a friend there who I was able to sit with. So we sat together and the meeting began.

I was at this point incredibly nervous.  Here I was sitting in a meeting with gay people as if it was a disease that I could catch.  The thing that I took most from the meeting surprised me.  This surprise came from how normal everybody seemed.  They laughed and joked like everyone else and we actually talked a little about The Hunger Games afterward.   It was an experience that surprised me more than I think I anticipated.  These people treated me well and we talked and socialized.  I also found out that there were other LGBTQ Mormons like me.

I eventually was led to find another gay Mormon.  This experience became the most touching and powerful spiritual experiences of my life.  This experience is very private.  The fact that I had this experience is one of the reasons I know that God brought me down the path that he did and it truly reinforced my faith and devotion to him.

But God wasn't done with me yet.  I felt very welcome by everyone, much more than I had ever felt while in college.  I was invited to parties that actually turned out to be the most moral parties that I had ever seen in college.  We ate ghost peppers, played games like catchphrase, and watched movies.  The company was wonderful and the food was great.  Really for one of the first times in my life I felt like I truly fit in and was accepted.  This made a truly stark contrast to what I was led to believe and what I thought was truth in how gay people were.  They were normal people who were just as bad or as good as heterosexuals there was nothing sinister or evil about them.   However there seemed to be something that was different, something that I knew God wanted me to learn from them.

As the weeks and months went on I was invited to be a volunteer at the Equality Virginia Commonwealth Dinner.  I accepted and was interested to see how the dinner would go.  It was going to be the largest gathering of LGBTQ people and allies that I would ever have been too.  The purpose of the dinner itself was both a place to commemorate exceptional LGBTQ people in Virginia and also a place for political fundraising toward various causes.  It wasn't the politics or anything so worldly that caught my attention.  I still was trying to figure out more of what it was God wanted me to learn.  Something else much deeper and richer touched my soul at this meeting.

I felt a powerful love that filled the whole room.  It was a unique kind of love that I had never experienced not even in a church congregation.  The spirit filled my soul and testified of it too me.  Thinking through it later I realized that I felt no judgement from the people in the room.  As I thought on this I realized that many of the people sitting at the tables in that room had experienced pain and abandonment from their families.  The majority had been forced from their congregations and places of worship for the soul reason of being born the wrong way.  These people understood the sharp knife of judgement and hate toward them.  They felt the pain of being abandoned left for nothing and treated as less than human.  

This treatment from others in my view taught them what love really is.  Love is something that is unconditional it is something that doesn't see sexual orientation, race, or creed.  It is something that looks beyond earthly prejudices.  It isn't love the sinner hate the sin.  It is pure and simply love that sees no judgement.  As I looked out on that group of people.  I saw people that are as Christ taught "the least of these."   In God's great mercies whether they realized it or not.  He had taught them through their trials what true love really means.

I had found Christ among them.

Never in any congregation had I felt the same love and lack of judgement as I felt there.  It was something that was very moving.  The only time I had felt that same type of love was from God himself when I was on my knees crying to him to take this away from me.  When I was seeking to accept myself and when God spoke in my heart his acceptance for me.

This was when I knew what I saw that was different in the people I had met and got to know.  In a way the people of the LGBTQ community understood better in their journeys on this earth, what love is.  Every person I met were in different stages of life and all had there imperfections and challenges, but this one thing seemed to resonate in them in a more profound way than most other people I have known.

A certain scripture comes to mind that connects with this experience it comes from 1 John 4: 18-21 it reads:

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear:
If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?
And this commandment have we from him, That he who loveth God love his brother also."

"45 And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

 46 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—

 47 But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him. If ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity,"

Moroni 7: 45-47

I think the part of Charity that most, if not all there understood was that true love, Christ like love, endures forever.  Many had felt the sting of family members taking away their love for them on the basis of their romantic orientation.  Many saw religious leaders preach the love of Christ from the pulpit and then tell them they did not deserve his love in private.  But God's love is never ending and never changing and the atonement reaches toward all.  They truly have endured all things, and have hoped through adversity.

Judge not, that ye be not Judged.  Matthew 7:1

Only God can judge, to us we are only commanded to love and accept our brothers and sisters where they are, who they are, and who they love and want to spend the rest of their life with, they are all Sons and Daughters of God.  This is a wonderful video of how one woman learned from God that all she needed to do was to love unconditionally her gay brother and son.






 Other good resources,
LDSwalkwithyou.org
mormonsandgays.org
http://affirmation.org/
http://northstarlds.org/
voicesoflove.org

"As a church, nobody should be more loving and compassionate. Let us be at the forefront in terms of expressing love, compassion and outreach. Let’s not have families exclude or be disrespectful of those who choose a different lifestyle as a result of their feelings about their own gender."  Quentin L. Cook