Stay Tuned for More to Come

     After finishing my first year of Medical School, I have finally been able to refocus my energy on updating this blog.  Over the past few months I have been preparing to go to an exciting event.   Thanks to my twin brother, we will be attending the weekend sessions of the Community of Christ World Conference in Independence, Missouri this coming Friday through Monday.

     I am curious in seeing for myself how this conference differs from the LDS general conferences that I have witnessed in the past.  From what I have read and learned, Community of Christ conferences are very different compared to LDS General Conferences.  A big difference is that the members who attend the conference are mainly elected delegates from congregations and Mission Centers (Stakes) all around the world.  The conference is run like a legislative session where common consent or dissent is practiced in regards to new revelation and church policy.  There are also opportunities for friends of the Community of Christ who are not members, members of the Community of Christ, and people who are interested to attend and listen without being a delegate.

     Along with the legislative sessions there is also a planned First Nations Eagle Staff Ceremony, Celebration Village, and other performances, events, socials, and opportunities to network with service oriented non-profits.  The conference lasts for about a week and a half.  If you are interested in learning more about the schedule and events see the event app here.  There will also be a live screening of the events here and the world conference website here for more information on resolutions and agenda items.

     After attending the conference I am planning on writing a few blog posts on my impressions, thoughts, and experiences of the conference with you all.  I want to do this for those who may have an academic interest, general curiosity, or an interest in spiritual exploration of the conference.

                                                           Auditorium Independence

     Moving away from the subject of future blog posts, I wanted to share the experience I had at the
Washington DC Community of Christ congregation last weekend.  At this service there were two baptisms, confirmations, and an ordination performed.  One of the baptisms was of my twin brother who made the decision to join the Community of Christ after attending services and events for about a year and a half.  As I spoke to the individuals and families who attended, I could definitely sense a spirit of community and support.  Many of the people who were present traveled from previous congregations that my brother first attended when he left the LDS church.  Along with the outpouring of support from the members, beautiful and inspiring hymns were sung including the old Irish Hymn Be Thou my Vision at the beginning and the more contemporary hymn For Everyone Born at the end.  The spirit of community also reached across the Atlantic to my brother's boyfriend who was skyping into the service from Italy.

     As I have continued to attend this small church community I have been both inspired and humbled by the gracious members and the spirit of a group of people who have felt a call to develop Zion-like communities.  I was truly honored to have attended a beautiful service and to be in the company of people who have truly embraced me and my family with open arms during the heartache of the past several months.  I am definitely looking forward to the world conference and the new opportunities for me to experience something new and exciting in the restoration movement.

I posted two of the hymns that were sung at the service below.

Be Thou My Vision

For Everyone Born

My Personal Path From Pain and Confusion to Hope and Spiritual Progression

     I finally have a break to write another blog post.  A lot of stuff has happened since my last post. I am fairly certain that many of the readers of my blog have had many discussions with friends, family, and others around the LDS church's new policy in regards to the Children of LGBT couples.  For me personally it felt like a stab in the heart.  I cannot adequately describe the pain and betrayal I felt at that time.  I had made peace with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and was still attending meetings when I found the time to.  I described the pain and the anguish I felt in a Facebook post.  This is what I wrote:

    "The past few days have definitely been incredibly difficult and heartbreaking. I'm grateful for everyone that I have seen who have stood up in defense of the children of LGBT parents and their families during this difficult time. Even though many of you will not be personally effected by this change within the LDS church. Just the fact that you have been willing to listen with an open mind and heart and advocate for others is an incredible blessing. The fact that you have been open to the plight of your brothers and sisters has made a tremendous difference. Your love and kindness has been noticed.
    To those people who see nothing wrong with this policy and the potential damage this will have to so many children I beg you to open your hearts to their stories. Realize how much pain, anguish, and exclusion they are going to feel when they see their friends getting baptized and then being told that they can't because of their parents, who if they are that age probably go to church with them and approve of their involvement. Realize that this policy will make them feel singled out and ostracized. Understand how their parents will feel whether they be from failed mixed orientation marriages or love the church and want their kids raised in the church. Many of them have faced so many hardships and had finally found a balance within their marriage and relationship with the church. Now they're being told that their kids are now considered the other and not worthy because of who their parents are. Imagine how this policy will open old wounds and how it feels that the church is trying to punish them further for their sexual orientation that they had no choice in. Whether it is their intention or not that is what is happening, that is reality.

    Some people may say that these kids can choose when they're 18 and that it will lessen conflict. The problem is the damage will have already been done. Treating a young child like this is harmful to their identity and relationship with their heavenly Father. No matter what the intentions and the belief that this is what is best for the child. The fact still remains that this policy will lead to broken families, heartbroken children, and a culture of exclusion for these kids. Many of these children have been adopted and have experienced abandonment from their previous families are now being told after they have finally found a family that loves them and cares for them that that love is counterfeit that they have to renounce that love, peace, and security they have found. How traumatizing that can be and will be for these children.

    I feel raw and heartbroken, a church that I grew up in and that has helped me develop my relationship with my Savior has essentially shut the door on my family and my future kids. This is how I and thousands of other people in my situation feel right now. People may seek to minimize it but it is there, we are here, we exist, our pain is real. You can either choose to ignore it and brush it off because it doesn't affect you or you can mourn with us and comfort us because many people are in need of comfort right now."  

     (As preface to what I am going to talk about, I have a deep respect for the decisions made by individuals. My thoughts are my own and are neither an endorsement or criticism.  They are merely the thoughts and the pain which I have personally felt.  Everyone's road is different and I can not emphasize enough that people must make their own decisions and should if they feel they are able to make their own decisions with God in regards to belief or non-belief.  That is something I would never deny to anyone, I just seek to share my own personal perspective.)

    My heart was broken and the pain I felt was beyond what I have previously felt before.  I didn't understand why this could happen.  I had felt that progress was being made and that my future children could be welcomed in the faith that I have held dear for many years even if I could not fully participate.  With this policy, the door had been shut and and my heart was broken.  For days I felt the pain and betrayal continue to twist and turn inside of me seemingly without relief.  I felt abandoned and I felt lost.  

    As I struggled through this pain and anguish trying to search for relief, I felt the spirit move me in a surprising direction.  My twin brother had been attending the Community of Christ (previously the RLDS church) for a couple of months.  We had had a couple of conversations about it.   Even with these conversations I had no interest in the Community of Christ because I never felt particularly drawn to them intellectually or spiritually. With the introduction of the new church policy I was seeking to find comfort and solace in my pain.   I found a talk given by the Prophet President of the Community of Christ church, Steven Veazy.  Here it is below 

     
     As I watched this video I felt a profound peace enter into my heart especially near the end when he talked about Oneness and Equality in Christ.  This peace drove away the pain and the anguish from my soul.  This peace also carried with it a prompting to learn more about Community of Christ.

I watched many other videos which I will post in later blog posts.  

 I still consider myself Mormon in the sense that my own personal beliefs have been cultivated within the LDS church.  My plan is to always leave my heart open to the possibility of me returning if prompted by the spirit to do so.  The culture and the influence the LDS church has had on my life has been profound and will never leave me.  I personally can profess that I have felt the spirit many times in the LDS church.  The spirit has borne me up in hours of need and trial and has offered me comfort countless times.  As I have continued to learn over the past couple of weeks I have developed a deep respect for both the LDS church and the Community of Christ as part of the Restoration Tradition of Christianity that has Joseph Smith as its first prophet.  I have also felt and recognized truth in the Community of Christ faith.  I have found it to be an honest and genuine expression of the Restoration one that I regret not knowing more about until now. 

    I still don't know exactly where God will lead me on this road.  There is still much I need to learn and hopefully many more years ahead.  I have found at this time a place of safety where my husband and I are fully welcome.  At the very least what I do know is that at this moment in my life. I am where I need to be.  

If anyone is interested in finding out more about the Community of Christ 
from a LDS perspective here is a link.

http://www.latter-dayseekers.org/

    

Where I'm supposed to be.

It has been a little over a year since I publicly came out as a gay Mormon.  In that year, I have had many wonderful and humbling experiences.  I have met new people and I have gained a greater appreciation of the diversity and the uniqueness of God's will for each person.  This is a little summary.

Life has been busy.

School has started up again, I recently got a new job at a behavioral health center for at risk youth, and I just joined a political action committee.  Needless to say, I'm expecting a very productive and busy last semester to my undergraduate years.  

Along with staying busy, I have been married to the love of my life now for over six months.  Time has flown by and I often find myself thinking about the path that led me to where I am now.  I came out publicly a little over a year ago and have transitioned to being a true and authentic son of God.  It has been a bit of a roller coaster but one that has brought me clarity and a closer relationship with my Heavenly Father.

I am now an excommunicated member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  My stake president was very attentive to me and I felt the spirit whenever I talked to him.  He wasn't punitive with his church authority and worked with me through everything.  I truly felt his care and his desire to understand and build a bridge with me.  I know this is not always the case, I have heard of people who have had a less than desirable experiences with priesthood leaders around this subject.  After speaking with my stake president over a couple of weeks he decided it was time to move to an excommunication.

What really surprised me and humbled me about the excommunication was the overwhelming spirit that I felt.  This spirit was compounded by the testimony that I bore of my savior Jesus Christ and the guidance of the Holy Ghost.  It was uniquely personal and very powerful.  I left the excommunication with a feeling of peace and joy.  It was uplifting and completely unexpected.  The experience helped reinforce my belief that as I trust in my Heavenly Father's will, everything will work out.

Another pleasant surprise was and is the continued companionship of the Holy Spirit.  Although I cannot enter into the temple anymore and I can't partake of the sacrament, the spirit continues to help me as I seek to do my Father's will.

There have been times in this past year where my faith has faltered and I have felt distant from God but luckily those moments of doubt have only renewed the strength that God has given me.  I have come to know personally the importance of doubt in faith.  Through this process I have learned to doubt everything and to analyze everything in greater detail.  I have learned to not lean on the arm of men but on the arm of my Heavenly Father.  My love and understanding of the power of the atonement has grown deeper.  My outlook on life has improved and I am happier than I have ever been.

The amount of growth and the outpouring of love I have experience over the past year has been humbling both from members of the LGBT Mormons and Allies and also from my friends and family.  I attend my local ward where a couple of people now know about my husband and I.

Last year I took a leap of faith when coming out publicly.  I have learned a great many things and I know there is still much for me to learn.  Through everything I truly believe and feel that I am where I'm supposed to be.

I Found God in the LGBTQ Community.

I have been thinking about writing this post for a while. Since my coming out I have truly experienced an outpouring of love and support of which I am tremendously grateful.  My journey of coming out started in November of 2012 and has led me to places and people that I never would have imagined knowing and experiencing that night I came out to my parents.  God truly is wonderful and patient and has touched my heart in ways I could have scarcely comprehended just a little over a year ago.

After coming out to my parents, I attended my Spring Semester at school and I endeavored to start coming out to very close friends of mine.  This was harder than I had anticipated.  Keeping something secret for eleven years and hoping it would go away is hard to talk about.  It was a difficult but also transformative process in many ways.   I started feeling like I was becoming a more genuine person as I shared this part of myself with others.  Not only that but I felt closer to God.  I felt God was pleased with me being honest with this part of myself.  I began walking through my day to day life with a renewed vigor and hope.  I felt like a burden was beginning to be lifted off of me and that the Atonement of Christ was working in my life to lift that self-inflicted burden.This brought a spiritual healing that I most desperately needed. I felt God prompt me in my day to day life, I felt like I was becoming a better person and closer to God.

One day last year, on a normal day I felt God prompt me in a direction that I had not anticipated.  I was prompted to go to a meeting of my school's LGBTQ organization on campus.  This was something that left me confused and nervous.  At this time I had only known a handful of gay people and then not extremely well.  I had never been taught any overtly anti-gay things.  What I had learned was that marriage was between Man and Woman. I also heard the youth  make gay jokes making it seem like it was  something to be mocked, scandalous, or dirty.  This compounded with homosexuality being a taboo discussion in LDS congregations and that no older gay people that I could tell were in my ward.  So I automatically assumed, just like I feel many other people do, that LGBT people were sinners that have shunned God and that they were devoid of  natural love and were lost in the lusts of the flesh,  which created in me an internalized homophobia toward myself.  I hated myself because I was one of those awful sinners.  Coming out allowed me the opportunity to push off this burden of self-hatred, but I would soon find out that God had so much more for me to learn about others as well as learning about myself.

Going to the meeting left in me a certain anxiety because of what I had heard about gay people.  I felt scared that I would be tempted and be led down a path that would be destructive to my soul.  All these things jumbled in my mind and put a fear in my heart. Even with all this opposition I followed the prompting.  I went to a meeting and luckily saw a friend there who I was able to sit with. So we sat together and the meeting began.

I was at this point incredibly nervous.  Here I was sitting in a meeting with gay people as if it was a disease that I could catch.  The thing that I took most from the meeting surprised me.  This surprise came from how normal everybody seemed.  They laughed and joked like everyone else and we actually talked a little about The Hunger Games afterward.   It was an experience that surprised me more than I think I anticipated.  These people treated me well and we talked and socialized.  I also found out that there were other LGBTQ Mormons like me.

I eventually was led to find another gay Mormon.  This experience became the most touching and powerful spiritual experiences of my life.  This experience is very private.  The fact that I had this experience is one of the reasons I know that God brought me down the path that he did and it truly reinforced my faith and devotion to him.

But God wasn't done with me yet.  I felt very welcome by everyone, much more than I had ever felt while in college.  I was invited to parties that actually turned out to be the most moral parties that I had ever seen in college.  We ate ghost peppers, played games like catchphrase, and watched movies.  The company was wonderful and the food was great.  Really for one of the first times in my life I felt like I truly fit in and was accepted.  This made a truly stark contrast to what I was led to believe and what I thought was truth in how gay people were.  They were normal people who were just as bad or as good as heterosexuals there was nothing sinister or evil about them.   However there seemed to be something that was different, something that I knew God wanted me to learn from them.

As the weeks and months went on I was invited to be a volunteer at the Equality Virginia Commonwealth Dinner.  I accepted and was interested to see how the dinner would go.  It was going to be the largest gathering of LGBTQ people and allies that I would ever have been too.  The purpose of the dinner itself was both a place to commemorate exceptional LGBTQ people in Virginia and also a place for political fundraising toward various causes.  It wasn't the politics or anything so worldly that caught my attention.  I still was trying to figure out more of what it was God wanted me to learn.  Something else much deeper and richer touched my soul at this meeting.

I felt a powerful love that filled the whole room.  It was a unique kind of love that I had never experienced not even in a church congregation.  The spirit filled my soul and testified of it too me.  Thinking through it later I realized that I felt no judgement from the people in the room.  As I thought on this I realized that many of the people sitting at the tables in that room had experienced pain and abandonment from their families.  The majority had been forced from their congregations and places of worship for the soul reason of being born the wrong way.  These people understood the sharp knife of judgement and hate toward them.  They felt the pain of being abandoned left for nothing and treated as less than human.  

This treatment from others in my view taught them what love really is.  Love is something that is unconditional it is something that doesn't see sexual orientation, race, or creed.  It is something that looks beyond earthly prejudices.  It isn't love the sinner hate the sin.  It is pure and simply love that sees no judgement.  As I looked out on that group of people.  I saw people that are as Christ taught "the least of these."   In God's great mercies whether they realized it or not.  He had taught them through their trials what true love really means.

I had found Christ among them.

Never in any congregation had I felt the same love and lack of judgement as I felt there.  It was something that was very moving.  The only time I had felt that same type of love was from God himself when I was on my knees crying to him to take this away from me.  When I was seeking to accept myself and when God spoke in my heart his acceptance for me.

This was when I knew what I saw that was different in the people I had met and got to know.  In a way the people of the LGBTQ community understood better in their journeys on this earth, what love is.  Every person I met were in different stages of life and all had there imperfections and challenges, but this one thing seemed to resonate in them in a more profound way than most other people I have known.

A certain scripture comes to mind that connects with this experience it comes from 1 John 4: 18-21 it reads:

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear:
If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?
And this commandment have we from him, That he who loveth God love his brother also."

"45 And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

 46 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—

 47 But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him. If ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity,"

Moroni 7: 45-47

I think the part of Charity that most, if not all there understood was that true love, Christ like love, endures forever.  Many had felt the sting of family members taking away their love for them on the basis of their romantic orientation.  Many saw religious leaders preach the love of Christ from the pulpit and then tell them they did not deserve his love in private.  But God's love is never ending and never changing and the atonement reaches toward all.  They truly have endured all things, and have hoped through adversity.

Judge not, that ye be not Judged.  Matthew 7:1

Only God can judge, to us we are only commanded to love and accept our brothers and sisters where they are, who they are, and who they love and want to spend the rest of their life with, they are all Sons and Daughters of God.  This is a wonderful video of how one woman learned from God that all she needed to do was to love unconditionally her gay brother and son.






 Other good resources,
LDSwalkwithyou.org
mormonsandgays.org
http://affirmation.org/
http://northstarlds.org/
voicesoflove.org

"As a church, nobody should be more loving and compassionate. Let us be at the forefront in terms of expressing love, compassion and outreach. Let’s not have families exclude or be disrespectful of those who choose a different lifestyle as a result of their feelings about their own gender."  Quentin L. Cook

My Mormon Coming Out Story

 This blog is written from the perspective of a faithful member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I have tried to put my words and my story into terms that all Christians and those of religious affiliation hopefully will understand.  I also hope that those who are not religious may  be helped by my story as well.

My Mormon Coming Out Story

So I have decided to officially come out and say something that most of my friends and my immediate family already know about me.  I am same-gender attracted, or I am gay.  I have known I was gay since I was about 10 years old, at that time I could tell that I was a bit different from the other boys at my school. As other guys were starting to develop interest in girls our age I didn't seem to care at all.   During this time, I was friends with both boys and girls, and I was content with that.  When I started realizing I was different, I basically ignored those feelings initially because I was at the end of elementary school and I didn't understand sexuality up to that point except for what society told me that guys were only ever supposed to like girls and girls were only ever supposed to like guys.

It wasn't until I had reached middle school that puberty really hit hard and my attractions became more noticeable, which in turn made me react by suppressing my sexuality.  Before in elementary school, I was a very mentally healthy boy who loved spending time with friends.  I was as social as any boy in elementary school is. I was a little shy around strangers, but as I warmed up to people, I quickly lost that shyness.  With the transition into middle school, I started to become quiet.  I started finding it difficult to talk with people when before I never found it to be an issue.

The transition between elementary and middle school is typically a difficult transition for children.  This was especially true for me.  A lot of my old friends from elementary school were in different classes than I was.  The building was new.  The teachers were new.  I had to navigate what felt like an alien world to me.  This was all the more challenging because I knew I was different and I refused to accept that reality.  The refusal to accept it spiraled me into a long period of very low self-esteem.  I was pretty sure my parents suspected I was gay at a very young age and being the loving parents that they were and not having a complete understanding about what I was going through, they tried to coax the gay out of me whenever I displayed any signs of non-masculine behavior, although this never happened often.

As middle school continued I tried to reconcile my faith and my sexuality.  I am Mormon, which I think a large amount of people reading this blog will be.  For people who aren't that means that I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  As part of that, I go to church every Sunday, and I was  in the Youth Program.  When I was young, I was surrounded by a super heterosexual culture.  The boys would be flirting with the girls all the time, I just followed along but didn't participate because I didn't see the point.  So every Sunday never failed to remind me that I was different.  So instead of focusing on the social aspect of church I focused my energy toward scripture study, prayer, and church attendance.

At about the 7th to 8th grade I was in complete suppression of my sexuality, which caused my self-esteem to continue to plummet.  At this time, I fought to find out why I just didn't like girls the same way other guys liked girls.  So I made the excuse that the reason why I didn't like girls at the time was because I was preparing for my mission and that I wouldn't date anybody until at least the age of 16 anyway if not 18 or after my mission.  I would take girls to school dances and have a great time with them but have no desires other than to have a good time with friends.

So I coasted . I put all my suppressed energy into other things.  I did a lot of acting when I was younger and was in many plays with a private acting troupe,  I also performed at my school where I played lead roles through middle school.  I focused on my studies and got straight A's.  Also, I put my greatest attention into my spiritual life. I felt deep down that God didn't make me this way and that maybe if I prayed more, did more service, and participated in everything I could, I would gain an attraction to girls like I had with guys because I still denied that that attraction was permanent and therefore I thought it to be unnatural.

There were a few girls through this experience that I really liked and enjoyed spending time with, but it was exclusively a close friendship and I had no desire for nothing more.  So I kept going through my pre-teen into my teenage years.  I was still suppressing my sexuality, and therefore my identity.  As people grow as adults their personality grows naturally through their experiences.  Mine felt forced into a box that felt unnatural and suffocating.  I felt that I would be rejected by my friends and my family if they knew.  I was afraid that God hated me because of who I am and it seemed like everything at church pointed to this  idea.  This was because there was no one there to speak on the subject, and if it was spoken about, it was spoken very negatively.  So I assumed that God was against it.

Near the end of my freshman year, I started developing depression.  I don't remember exactly when it started.  I just remember my world getting darker and darker.  My life seemed to start being caught up between two worlds; times where I felt fine and days where I would sink into a pit of unexplainable sadness and fear.  I grew distant from people.  I felt alone and my thoughts turned inward.  I had always been a quieter kid, but now it felt so pronounced and horrifying.  I felt everyone was going to hurt me.  I would find excuses to lash out at others especially those people who cared about me the most.

There came a point where only two people kept me going, and that was God and a wonderful friend.  My depression lasted for a while and into my sophomore year.  Around my sophomore year, I dropped into one of the worst phases of my life.  I decided that it would be better if I could just die.  My life felt like a never-ending pit of despair with no exit.  Their seemed to be no other way.  I felt like I was unworthy of love.  I had seen and heard how gay people were thought of in my church, and everywhere I went.  They were dirty, sinful, deviant, unnatural, without hope of salvation.  That was who I was.  Through no fault of my own, I was gay.  I had been caught up in believing that God didn't love me because he hadn't taken my attractions away  from me.

One day I got home before everyone else in my family.  I had made the decision to kill myself, and I was on my way to do just that.  There wasn't anything lethal at my house except pills, so I decided to do an overdose.  That whole day, I was praying to God to take everything away from me. I told him that I wouldn't kill myself if God would just fill this horrible hole that I felt inside of myself.  Continuing to pray, I passed by the telephone on my way to the cabinet, and as I did I had strong and powerful impression to call my friend.  I stopped and looked toward the phone.  At this point, I really had no other avenue.  I was going to kill myself or seriously damage my body.  So I dialed up my friend and talked to him.  After an hour or so, this person was able to convince me not to kill myself.  He truly showed a Christ like care toward me and showed me that Christians could care  for someone like me,  and if other people cared maybe God would too.  For the first time in a while, I walked away from the cliff that I had been prepared to jump off of.

I began to accept myself.  Slowly but surely, I started walking out of the haze of my self-hatred and depression.  Life started to be worth living.  I started enjoying the simple things and delighting in what Heavenly Father had blessed me with.  I still hadn't told anyone else about who I was except for a few people, but even then it had been kind of a confusing explanation because I really didn't understand it myself, and I had no role models or people who felt the same way I did.  So at the time, I thought I was bisexual because I could love women (although it was a brotherly love and not romantic).  The years went on where I felt that I was still stuck.  However, what was new was that I accepted who I was.  But just accepting myself wasn't enough.  I needed others to accept me, which I felt they would not.

This view I felt was very legitimate considering how the word gay was used in a derogatory way in regular converstaions.  How people would talk about gay people as if they were something different and sinister which was very dehumanizing for me.  It frankly terrified me for the longest time that I would be treated less than human.  But, even through all this haze, I felt God continue to move me forward in my life and help me find my way through my confusing and difficult childhood.

 Throughout this time, I sought to date a small number of women.   However, nothing came out of any of these relationships, kissing was awkward and weird, and I felt once again as if something was wrong with me.  At this time, I still felt that I was bisexual, because I still held onto a hope that maybe I could find a way to escape who I was.

It wasn't until my freshman year of college that I started reaching out to see if there were others like me.  I started finding blogs and other materials.  A source of wonderful hope for me and strength was the It Gets Better videos from BYU students.  Here were LGBT Mormon students, my age, who were seeking to do God's will like I was and who had found a loving community that understood them.  Many of them shared their coming out stories and how they found that most people were accepting and truly interested in their well-being. Amongst all these good stories however there were examples of people whose families rejected them and turned them away.  Their were some who went through extreme trials, and almost every single person on the video had contemplated suicide just like I had.  These shared experiences gave me comfort and helped me know for the first time that I wasn't alone.

The one thing I found most interesting was how they talked about receiving a confirmation from God that they were loved and completely accepted by him, sexuality and all.  They felt the loving power of Christ comfort them, even when others around them hated and reviled them.  God still knew who they were individually, and he loved them unconditionally.  I decided to try this myself.

I kneeled down one night and prayed to my Heavenly Father.  I asked him if these feelings were acceptable in his eyes and whether or not he still loved me even if I was attracted to the same gender.  What followed would change my life.  A wonderful, indescribable warmth filled my chest and spread to the rest of my body.  I knew at once it was the spirit and that God accepted for who I was and would always love me.
All my life I had not only lived in fear of others rejection but God's rejection.  I found out beyond a shadow of doubt that night that God loved me and accepted me for who I was.  I came out of that spiritual experience with the knowledge that God accepted me.  This acceptance gave me the courage to eventually come out to my  family and friends.

Thanksgiving 2012
About 8 months after the revelation of God's acceptance, I decided to come out to my family.  With my twin brother (who is gay), together we told our parents what we had known for a long time.  And they accepted us, albeit after many questions from my mother who wanted to make sure that we were actually homosexual. They both accepted us and said they would love us no matter what because first and foremost we were their sons.  I was very grateful for their reaction, considering how many LGBT children, including from LDS homes, get thrown out on the street for confessing something that they had always had.

With my parents and God as my support, I started coming out to more friends that next year.  As I did this, I felt a wonderful spirit, and I knew God didn't want me to live in fear anymore.  The weeks that followed were wonderful and exhilarating.  I felt more comfortable around people I came out too. Not only that I felt my friendships strengthen through this process.  I also began enjoying coming to church more and felt more love, peace and, fellowship among the members there, even though I have only come out to a couple of them before this post.

One night a few months after this process started, I  found myself praying about where God wanted me to once again go.  After all the changes that had begun to happen in my life I wanted to see if there was more in store.  During this prayer, I had an impression to ask God if I was completely homosexual and not bisexual.  I had begun to question whether I was bisexual.  I think this came about because of my renewed confidence and affirmation from God and also my previous experience with women.  So I decided to ask God if I was indeed completely homosexual.  As before I felt a surging rush of warmth in me and utter joy filled me heart, and I knew that God was waiting for me to finally make this realization and once again God completely accepted me and loved me.

And now I come to this blog post a little more than a year after coming out to my parents.  After a lot of meditation and prayer, I have decided to write this blog in the hope that someone may read it and find hope in it, that a family member of someone who is LGBT may read this and understand the importance of love and dialogue in their relationship with their family member.  I am not writing this blog to stake a position.  I am writing this blog in the hope that it might save someone's life, whether they are a child or an adult, who feels alone and unloved not only by their parents but by God as well, that they may not be turned away from their families to live homeless on the streets.  I am here to tell these children, teenagers, adults; whomever they may be, that God truly loves them and that the only feeling that should be in anyone's hearts when it comes to this is love, acceptance, and the knowledge that God has a plan for each and everyone of us, that God created people with same-gender attraction for a reason, and that he has a greater wisdom than we could possibly have on this earth.  So let's discuss it.  Let's listen to each others stories and hopefully develop the charity that Christ showed each and everyone of us as he suffered and died for us in Gethsemane and was lifted on the cross in Calvary.  For He truly did die for each and everyone one of us not just straight people, not just gay people, for God is no respecter of persons and his love and grace are over all.  He died for everyone on this earth and he loved each and everyone of us equally.  How much more then should we do the same and follow his example to everyone not just people who are like us.

As I look at the diversity of the people of the earth, I see God's amazing grace and imagination.  I see his tender mercies, and I see him moving his people toward a greater understanding and greater love through these diversities.  I encourage everyone to take a moment and reflect on my story.  I hope that you will have gained something from it, and I hope it has encouraged each and everyone to go out into the world seeking a better understanding and a better love for all of God's children.  I was saved from a potential suicide because of an impression and a loving friend.  Many others, however are not with us now and many still need our love and support.

We only have one life to live.  Let's all fill it with love, kindness, and service. It's time to come together so that there may be no poor among us; whether they be poor in spirit, in love, in understanding, or in forgiveness for past wrongs, all are entitled to the tender mercies and blessings of God and his son Jesus Christ there are no exceptions.

Once again thank you for reading my post.  If you think someone may find peace and acceptance in reading this post please share it with them.  If not I hope that it inspires everyone to be more loving and kind in their service to their fellow families, friends, neighbors, and all humanity .  I hope that you all find, faith, hope, understanding, and love on your lifelong journeys.