My Journey Within Mormonism

      Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of my readers.  I know that Christmas can be a mixed bag when it comes to the various family and cultural experiences that people have.  Whoever you are and wherever you may be in your life and in your relationships.  I hope that you can find peace and hope both in a religious sense and a secular sense.  Although this blog post will not be exactly about Christmas it is in a way about new beginnings and the growth that comes from the discovery of something new.

       To preface this blog post I recommend reading my previous post about my thoughts on the LDS church's new policy and the experiences that have led me to seek out a spiritual home in the Community of Christ (formerly known as the Reorganized Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints).  As I listened to the Prophet-President of the Community of Christ I wanted to learn as much as I could about this part of the Restoration.
      Just as a way to help both explain and bring my readers along on my journey, I am going to post a couple of long 1-hourish videos that were displayed on Mormon Stories about the teachings and history of the Community of Christ beginning with Joseph Smith.  It is presented by John Hamer who is a historian and himself a former gay Mormon who is now the pastor of the Toronto Community of Christ congregation.  My posting this is not about converting anyone or saying that my path is the right path.  The path to spiritual progression should always be between the individual and God.  I simply want to share what has brought me peace in the hopes that it may help others or may stimulate a desire to learn more about religious history whether it be purely academic or spiritual.  Here is an introductory video about Community of Christ.  I think many of my readers will recognize the music in the background.


      The next two videos are about the differences and similarities of beliefs between the LDS and Community of Christ.  These were the ones I watched first.  I was intrigued by the similarities and differences between the two.  John Hamer who is presenting also gives the case of how disaffected LDS members or LGBT Mormons may find a spiritual home at the Community of Christ.  These videos are kind of long so if you have spare time I encourage you to watch them.  I personally watched them as I did dishes and chores.  Summaries can be found and additional dialogue here.







       The next four videos follow the history of the Community of Christ.  From 1830 to the present day and how it was shaped in parallel to the LDS church.  The first video covers the beginning of the restoration from 1820-1844.  Most members of the LDS church will recognize this history.  Once again dialogue and summaries here.

       The next video covers more of the divergence and schism of The LDS church between those led by Brigham Young and the scattered congregations who did not travel west, including Joseph's Smith's family.  Many different groups formed their own churches under various leaders including the Strangites, Cutlerites, Rigdonites, etc.




       This next video follows the RLDS church as it is organized in 1860 under the leadership of Joseph Smith 3rd (Joseph Smith's oldest Son). This video covers most of his tenure as Prophet of the RLDS to 1910 as he brings many of the scattered Saints into the Reorganization.





       The final video follows the transformation of the RLDS church to the now Community of Christ using the historical research done in the 1960s and 1970s as a catalyst for introspection and change.  The parts I find the most compelling are how it appears that the leadership in the then RLDS church decided to address historical issues head on.  This is in stark contrast to LDS leadership who sought to keep these historical findings from reaching the general membership.  The LDS church is only now trying to address these issue in public with their release of various essays on the church's history.

       The most interesting thing that I found from these videos was how little I actually knew about the early history of the restoration tradition of Christianity under Joseph Smith and how very little I knew of the Community of Christ.  I deeply regret this ignorance and have since continued to seek more knowledge on the subject.  I will also post a couple of other links below that I have found helpful to learning more about the Community of Christ.  These links will also include the Latter-day Seekers website that is specifically geared toward LDS members who are interested in learning more.

http://mormonessays.com/

http://www.latter-dayseekers.org/

       Thanks for watching and reading.  Hopefully in the next several weeks/ months as my time is permitted I will be writing and sharing more on this subject.   I have appreciated the perspectives and dialogue that I have received over the past several years as an out Gay man and look forward to many more to come.  During this Christmas and Holiday Season I hope peace can be found in your homes and in your communities.

My Personal Path From Pain and Confusion to Hope and Spiritual Progression

     I finally have a break to write another blog post.  A lot of stuff has happened since my last post. I am fairly certain that many of the readers of my blog have had many discussions with friends, family, and others around the LDS church's new policy in regards to the Children of LGBT couples.  For me personally it felt like a stab in the heart.  I cannot adequately describe the pain and betrayal I felt at that time.  I had made peace with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and was still attending meetings when I found the time to.  I described the pain and the anguish I felt in a Facebook post.  This is what I wrote:

    "The past few days have definitely been incredibly difficult and heartbreaking. I'm grateful for everyone that I have seen who have stood up in defense of the children of LGBT parents and their families during this difficult time. Even though many of you will not be personally effected by this change within the LDS church. Just the fact that you have been willing to listen with an open mind and heart and advocate for others is an incredible blessing. The fact that you have been open to the plight of your brothers and sisters has made a tremendous difference. Your love and kindness has been noticed.
    To those people who see nothing wrong with this policy and the potential damage this will have to so many children I beg you to open your hearts to their stories. Realize how much pain, anguish, and exclusion they are going to feel when they see their friends getting baptized and then being told that they can't because of their parents, who if they are that age probably go to church with them and approve of their involvement. Realize that this policy will make them feel singled out and ostracized. Understand how their parents will feel whether they be from failed mixed orientation marriages or love the church and want their kids raised in the church. Many of them have faced so many hardships and had finally found a balance within their marriage and relationship with the church. Now they're being told that their kids are now considered the other and not worthy because of who their parents are. Imagine how this policy will open old wounds and how it feels that the church is trying to punish them further for their sexual orientation that they had no choice in. Whether it is their intention or not that is what is happening, that is reality.

    Some people may say that these kids can choose when they're 18 and that it will lessen conflict. The problem is the damage will have already been done. Treating a young child like this is harmful to their identity and relationship with their heavenly Father. No matter what the intentions and the belief that this is what is best for the child. The fact still remains that this policy will lead to broken families, heartbroken children, and a culture of exclusion for these kids. Many of these children have been adopted and have experienced abandonment from their previous families are now being told after they have finally found a family that loves them and cares for them that that love is counterfeit that they have to renounce that love, peace, and security they have found. How traumatizing that can be and will be for these children.

    I feel raw and heartbroken, a church that I grew up in and that has helped me develop my relationship with my Savior has essentially shut the door on my family and my future kids. This is how I and thousands of other people in my situation feel right now. People may seek to minimize it but it is there, we are here, we exist, our pain is real. You can either choose to ignore it and brush it off because it doesn't affect you or you can mourn with us and comfort us because many people are in need of comfort right now."  

     (As preface to what I am going to talk about, I have a deep respect for the decisions made by individuals. My thoughts are my own and are neither an endorsement or criticism.  They are merely the thoughts and the pain which I have personally felt.  Everyone's road is different and I can not emphasize enough that people must make their own decisions and should if they feel they are able to make their own decisions with God in regards to belief or non-belief.  That is something I would never deny to anyone, I just seek to share my own personal perspective.)

    My heart was broken and the pain I felt was beyond what I have previously felt before.  I didn't understand why this could happen.  I had felt that progress was being made and that my future children could be welcomed in the faith that I have held dear for many years even if I could not fully participate.  With this policy, the door had been shut and and my heart was broken.  For days I felt the pain and betrayal continue to twist and turn inside of me seemingly without relief.  I felt abandoned and I felt lost.  

    As I struggled through this pain and anguish trying to search for relief, I felt the spirit move me in a surprising direction.  My twin brother had been attending the Community of Christ (previously the RLDS church) for a couple of months.  We had had a couple of conversations about it.   Even with these conversations I had no interest in the Community of Christ because I never felt particularly drawn to them intellectually or spiritually. With the introduction of the new church policy I was seeking to find comfort and solace in my pain.   I found a talk given by the Prophet President of the Community of Christ church, Steven Veazy.  Here it is below 

     
     As I watched this video I felt a profound peace enter into my heart especially near the end when he talked about Oneness and Equality in Christ.  This peace drove away the pain and the anguish from my soul.  This peace also carried with it a prompting to learn more about Community of Christ.

I watched many other videos which I will post in later blog posts.  

 I still consider myself Mormon in the sense that my own personal beliefs have been cultivated within the LDS church.  My plan is to always leave my heart open to the possibility of me returning if prompted by the spirit to do so.  The culture and the influence the LDS church has had on my life has been profound and will never leave me.  I personally can profess that I have felt the spirit many times in the LDS church.  The spirit has borne me up in hours of need and trial and has offered me comfort countless times.  As I have continued to learn over the past couple of weeks I have developed a deep respect for both the LDS church and the Community of Christ as part of the Restoration Tradition of Christianity that has Joseph Smith as its first prophet.  I have also felt and recognized truth in the Community of Christ faith.  I have found it to be an honest and genuine expression of the Restoration one that I regret not knowing more about until now. 

    I still don't know exactly where God will lead me on this road.  There is still much I need to learn and hopefully many more years ahead.  I have found at this time a place of safety where my husband and I are fully welcome.  At the very least what I do know is that at this moment in my life. I am where I need to be.  

If anyone is interested in finding out more about the Community of Christ 
from a LDS perspective here is a link.

http://www.latter-dayseekers.org/

    

First Anniversary, Marriage Equality, and Preparing for Medical School!

The past few weeks have been such a blessing for my family.  Not only have we celebrated our first anniversary.  We have also celebrated the Supreme Court decision that will help to enshrine the same rights and privileges for us as other couples.  It has been a time of great excitement for some and political angst for others.  Wherever you fall on the spectrum of legalized same-sex marriage.  I want you to know that these rulings are going to effect many people positively.  Not only in regards to legal benefits for same-sex couple and their children.  But also the dignity of being treated equally under the law.

One of my greatest hopes is that all people no matter their romantic orientation will grow up with the hope of a family.  That in the future, laws that allow for the discrimination of others will fade away and be replaced with equal treatment for all.  I hope that in the future, children like myself won't grow up with the shame and fear of how they feel.  That they will see how good life can be.  I hope that they will grow up without the pressure to lie to others about who they are.

This summer before I enter medical school I have had the privilege of working with kids who have been abused and severely mistreated by their parents and guardians.  Working with them each day I have been able to see the child who wants to be safe, who wants a better life but doesn't know where to find it.  I have seen the process of healing and hope work in their lives.  This I hope I can help facilitate for others.  Although I am still not sure what my future holds completely.  I can see myself working with children and young adults in my future profession.  The defenseless and the forgotten.  I hope I can make a difference in at least a few of their lives.  Progress does not come without effort.  Although their have been victories there is still a tough battle ahead.  Each day I see hope for a more just and equitable world.  A world where the least will be considered as much as the greatest.

I look forward with an excitement to the future and a promise of a better tomorrow.

I Need Him Too

        I recently noticed that USGA at BYU posted up a new video.  Their original viral video provided me with a lot of hope and support during a time that was very dark and lonely for me.  Their stories and encouragement helped me to have hope and faith in God's plan for my future.  After watching this video I wanted to add my own voice with theirs.  




        One of the more hurtful things I have been told before is that because I am gay I can't have a relationship with Jesus Christ or my Heavenly Father. That somehow the atonement does not apply to me. That I am broken, counterfeit, and beyond the reach of the spirit. If my experience with my Heavenly Father is any indicator, I have have found that these statements are simply not true, I have felt and have continued to feel the power of the atonement working in my life. The relationship I have with my savior is stronger now than it has ever been. He has walked where I have walked, and I know he understands the intentions of my heart as I have continually sought guidance from Him for each decision that I make.  I need him too. I need his peace and comfort through times and trials. I need his boundless charity to encompass me in warmth and light.  I need the gentle reminders of his grace as I feel the warm touch of sun on my face, the wind as it blows through my hair, and the peace as a kneel to pray.  

        Through the spirit I have learned and feel that who I am is a blessing. By being gay I have learned what it is like to be at the end of condescension and judgement. I have learned what it must have been like for the outcasts that Christ sat and ate with, who he ministered too, and who he called his friends. The pain and sorrow I felt growing up from the ignorance and judgement of others has made me stronger and has brought me closer to Him. I learned to rely on my savior when everything seemed hopeless. I have learned that human understanding and strength ultimately falls short compared to His divine and eternal consistency.  I have learned that my only source of truth can be from the fruit that is borne from the actions and words of others coupled with the still whispering of the spirit.  

        The diversity of God's creation is not something to fear, each individual difference should be celebrated. The incredible diversity of mankind is a testament of the power of human potential and God's love.  Each individual is precious and none should be forced into a cookie cutter mold of what society says they should be. We all lose out when this happens.  He is mindful of each one of us, He has a plan for each one of us, and He loves us beyond anything we can imagine.  If you feel that you are not good enough or that God could never love you.  Always remember that he truly does love you completely.  His love is not based on condition or standing.  It is unconditional and all encompassing, stay strong, this world needs you to be who you are, an indescribable child of God.  

Where I'm supposed to be.

It has been a little over a year since I publicly came out as a gay Mormon.  In that year, I have had many wonderful and humbling experiences.  I have met new people and I have gained a greater appreciation of the diversity and the uniqueness of God's will for each person.  This is a little summary.

Life has been busy.

School has started up again, I recently got a new job at a behavioral health center for at risk youth, and I just joined a political action committee.  Needless to say, I'm expecting a very productive and busy last semester to my undergraduate years.  

Along with staying busy, I have been married to the love of my life now for over six months.  Time has flown by and I often find myself thinking about the path that led me to where I am now.  I came out publicly a little over a year ago and have transitioned to being a true and authentic son of God.  It has been a bit of a roller coaster but one that has brought me clarity and a closer relationship with my Heavenly Father.

I am now an excommunicated member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  My stake president was very attentive to me and I felt the spirit whenever I talked to him.  He wasn't punitive with his church authority and worked with me through everything.  I truly felt his care and his desire to understand and build a bridge with me.  I know this is not always the case, I have heard of people who have had a less than desirable experiences with priesthood leaders around this subject.  After speaking with my stake president over a couple of weeks he decided it was time to move to an excommunication.

What really surprised me and humbled me about the excommunication was the overwhelming spirit that I felt.  This spirit was compounded by the testimony that I bore of my savior Jesus Christ and the guidance of the Holy Ghost.  It was uniquely personal and very powerful.  I left the excommunication with a feeling of peace and joy.  It was uplifting and completely unexpected.  The experience helped reinforce my belief that as I trust in my Heavenly Father's will, everything will work out.

Another pleasant surprise was and is the continued companionship of the Holy Spirit.  Although I cannot enter into the temple anymore and I can't partake of the sacrament, the spirit continues to help me as I seek to do my Father's will.

There have been times in this past year where my faith has faltered and I have felt distant from God but luckily those moments of doubt have only renewed the strength that God has given me.  I have come to know personally the importance of doubt in faith.  Through this process I have learned to doubt everything and to analyze everything in greater detail.  I have learned to not lean on the arm of men but on the arm of my Heavenly Father.  My love and understanding of the power of the atonement has grown deeper.  My outlook on life has improved and I am happier than I have ever been.

The amount of growth and the outpouring of love I have experience over the past year has been humbling both from members of the LGBT Mormons and Allies and also from my friends and family.  I attend my local ward where a couple of people now know about my husband and I.

Last year I took a leap of faith when coming out publicly.  I have learned a great many things and I know there is still much for me to learn.  Through everything I truly believe and feel that I am where I'm supposed to be.

My Late Transgender Day of Remembrance Post

Hello Everyone,

      I have been incredibly busy with school recently and I just now found the time to write another blog post.  This post is kind of my tribute to all my transgender friends.  Nowhere else have I seen such strong and courageous people.  You all are a beacon of light to me.  You amaze me with your example of how to live a life that is authentic to your God given identity.  More and more society is realizing the falsehood of the gender binary.  Science has already discovered that just as sexuality is on a continuum, gender too is not on polar ends of male and female.  Sexuality and gender are not determined based on the genitalia a person is born with.  Gender and Sexuality come from the mind and reach out from the deepest and most human parts of ourselves.  Those parts I believe are the most eternal.  They color our perceptions and truly help us to become entwined with the identity of the person we want to spend the rest of our lives with, hopefully into the eternities.

      These identities should not be repressed or held back.  Everyone was meant to be here, everyone is a beautiful and wonderful child of God who has unique and incredible attributes to share.  Every single person has the ability to truly make this world a better place.  I truly believe God is filled with joy as we express ourselves in a way that is truly authentic to ourselves.  As we serve others and let people know they are not alone.  We represent a piece of who God is and what Jesus Christ himself would do.  Every son, daughter, cisgender, transgender, intersex, gender queer, heterosexual, and homosexual child of God is a beautiful image of who our heavenly parents are and their infinite and divine capacity to love and embrace every single one of us.  The world needs more love not more misunderstanding.  You all bring the world closer to a Zion-like society as you expand everyone's capacity to love and support one another.  There is still a lot of work to do, let us all work hard to lift up the heavy hand.  To give of our substance to those in need.  Instead of quibbling over how a person should dress or how a person should live their life let's try expound love instead of judgement. In the end we are all trying our best to live a life that holds no regrets.


I added this video because it is a fun song about letting out what truly makes you amazing!  (I do believe most of the people in this video are transgender although there is also a drag queen)

Joy: A Tale of Love and Marriage

      On July 1st 2014 I legally married the man of my dreams, on July 2nd we committed to support one another both spiritually and physically the rest of our lives and hopefully into the eternities.

       I met James during February of 2013.  When I met him, I was just starting to come out to close friends and people at school.  Previously, I had come to accept that I would stay in the closet forever and just work to remain celibate in all ways including any romantic relationships.  It wasn't until receiving very specific promptings that I decided to start coming out. I wrote a little bit about this first coming out and my experiences in the LGBT community here. I came out to some very specific close friends.  This initial coming out eventually led me to coming out publicly January of this year, which you can read here.

       During the first stages of my coming out, I met a lot of different people.  Including someone very special to me.  We met when I first walked into the office of the LGBTQ organization on my campus.  He was tall, good looking, and couldn't get enough of me.  When we met I was not looking for any relationships.  In fact, I made it a point to tell everyone who asked that I was not interested.

       One Friday night we had a movie night at the school.  The whole time James was flirting with me and I am not going lie I really enjoyed it.  It wasn't like when I attempted to flirt with girls.  This one felt natural, fun, and a little thrilling as well.   He told me that night that he wanted to date me.  He at the time was leaving a very bad relationship and was looking to fill the void left in him.

      What he wanted was for me to say yes.  The answer he got was something he didn't expect and one that would have one of the greatest impacts on both of our lives.  I bore my testimony and told him no.

      That same morning I was driving back home from the school.  While I was driving, I had an incredibly powerful experience, one that I can only describe as indescribable and sacred.  I knew that God was pleased with me and that I had done what God had been preparing me to do.

One week later, while James was out with a friend he felt prompted to go to church.  James had been baptized a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints almost a decade before.  He ended up falling away due to misunderstandings and painful experiences caused by members.  He had almost no support and  no other members of his family were in the church.  He struggled and eventually became distant from God.  Although there were specific moments that he remembers where God continued to guide him.

      When I first met him, he was at the lowest point in his life.  He was leaving an eight year relationship and he felt that God couldn't hear him or wouldn't hear him.  In his loneliness and despair he cried out to God for help.  A week later I came into his life.

      We became close friends, we even fell in love but we wouldn't admit it.  James was working through a lot of problems and I was trying to figure out who I was at the time.  This growing we both were going through in hindsight needed to happen with us just being friends.

So we kept moving along.  James progressed tremendously at this time.  He became closer to God and happier.  This went on until the late fall of 2013.

At this time we both felt stuck spiritually, I felt that God knew how I could progress.  I knew there was something important ahead of me, but I couldn't figure out what it was.  This was the same for James.

Right before Thanksgiving, I was praying to God,  I was seeking fervently to find the way he wanted me to go.  Once again, I had to give up all my preconceptions and notions about God's will.  I had to put my will on the alter before him and accept whatever it was he wanted me to do.  Only then did I feel a new prompting, one that brought me peace but also apprehension.  I felt the spirit move me to begin a deeper relationship with James.  I didn't know where it would take me, but once again I knew I needed to trust in my Heavenly Father and in the promptings from the Holy Ghost.

We started dating and a few days later I knew I was progressing again.  The spirit began to return and peace entered into my heart where it had been missing.

A few weeks after that, we both felt prompted that God would give his permission for both of us to marry.  James was the one who proposed.   He couldn't afford a ring but that didn't matter to me.  I accepted his proposal with a heart full of joy and a spirit full of peace.

         After a 7 month engagement we got married at the courthouse in Somerset, Maryland.  The courthouse was beautiful and I remember looking into James' eyes as the magistrate read out the words.  I felt a mix of excitement and nervousness at what we were about to commit too, but it was all washed away by a wonderful feeling of happiness that the day had finally come.

        The next day was the wedding celebration on Yorktown Beach.  It was a busy day but in the end when I got to stand up in front of my family and friends and make a commitment to the love of my life, everything became worth it.  All the struggles, the heartaches, the wrestles with the spirit.  The pain of growing up gay in the LDS church and in the United States.  The loneliness and terror of the possibility of being found out.  It all became worth it as I said I do.  Happiness and peace poured through me and settled deep into my heart.  I still do not understand many things and I do not know God's purposes, but what I do know is that if we trust in Him we need not fear.  We don't need to know everything.  I know that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the kingdom of God.  For now I walk with faith in Jesus Christ and the atonement.  I have faith that the Holy Ghost will continue to guide my husband and I as we trust in his will.  Life is a journey and I am grateful to God for helping me find my best friend to take the journey with me.

                                                 Both of our families on the York River.